When the gray mornings of a humid, drizzly day cause my hair to frizz and fray.
When my tears leech through my mascara darkened eyelashes in black rivulets down my cheeks.
Before I wash the night’s sleep from my face .
Standing under the harsh truthfulness of white fluorescent lights.
When the stress of the day bows his shoulders down like Atlas.
When the night is dark and the moon has shut its eye to steal the little light it gives.
When I dressed all in white and took his hands for life.
When he wiped the sweat from my brow with the edge of my ugly hospital gown.
When my nose is red and I can’t stop coughing and fever blurs my eyes.
When his voice cuts in and out from the strain of transmitting from thousands of miles away.
When he hasn’t even seen my face for several weeks on end.
My love tells me I am beautiful even when I don’t deserve it.
My love tells me I am beautiful and I am starting to believe him.
Because when he tells me I am beautiful it isn’t what he’s seeing, my love tells me I am beautiful because of what he’s feeling.
Sinking into the nether
/Absence of space/
Will the light extinguished
No air to breathe
Smothering the flames
Inverting the energy
Of a sun
Collapsing into negative space.
We are stars bursting,
Super novas bleeding out
The darkness of space.
You have never read a love letter until you have read one sent home to a soldier’s lover
And if you are not that soldier or his lover it is unlikely you will ever
Until their lives have waned and their years have been spent
And the pain of that distance has faded to a wistful reminisce.
You have never read a letter filled with so much palpable longing
And an honesty so profound it bleeds onto your fingers like spilled ink
And capped with a sign off of resignation and the literary equivalent of a sigh
As he hurries through the hastily scrawled pages to not say goodbye.
I love my soldier. I will treasure his hand written letters all the days of my life.
A soldier’s Wife
How could we have known this love would be a source of both pain and ecstasy when you caught my eye under the dingy white tarp of that festival tent and the electricity of a coming storm danced under our skin?
That separation was inevitable and the string of fate would span an ocean, stretched as thin as a spider’s webbing, cutting into the flesh of our hearts where it knotted all those days ago when I looked back at you and knew life would never be the same?
How could I have known I would be so lucky as to possess a love that would cause such longing in the dark expanse of lonely nights?
How could I have known the blessing of the pain of missing you far outweighs the numbness of never having known you?
How could I have known that a deployment would make me love you even more than I ever dreamed a soul could love, deeper than the unknown depths of the ocean floor, longer than the infinity of this universe?
I know there will come a day
When our daughter does not know your absence
When the distance between you and her
Is bridged and Daddy returns
The day when playtime is physical
Not seen through the screen
Of a “smartphone” that still doesn’t understand
The power of human contact.
And the USO story times become fables
As you build forts under Minnie Mouse comforters
And she follows the words you point at as you read.
And you enjoy homemade cookies fresh from the oven
Still steaming when you crack them open.
And you come home to find our love for you is still the same.
Slats of sunlight dapple
the edges of my memories
twirling in the kitchen
laying sideways in our bed
blinding our view of the television
where we curled up each evening
the warming Spring days meant open
strolls across the railroad tracks
during lengthening evening twilight
holding hands, our breaths
as we wait for separation
a year long pacing back and forth
slowly becoming numb
with every creeping day.
I hope that love finds our daughter like it found me. That the stars align to find her soulmate has been there the whole time. Waiting. Waiting for the moment when everything is right, when the complications of her life have resolved to the point of sustained happiness.
I hope that love whispers softly into her dreams like the scent of a garden wafting on lofty breezes trampezing through sun baked air.
I hope that love finds her with kindness, seeking to elevate her, hold her up to find she is worth more than she believed herself to be. That violence is blinded by the glare of a gentle soul seeking in her the self same care.
I hope that love finds her through the heart of a loving partner who holds her hand each time it nears their own. Who says, “I’m sorry,” regardless of who was wrong. Who nurses no ill will even to those who’ve done them harm.
I hope she finds somebody like you.
In all the world I do not believe a woman could love you as I do.
She couldn’t see all the amazing things that I see even if she tried to.
But if anyone else were to love you
Here are the things I’d hope she knew.
The way your life shines through your eyes, how I knew you were kind.
The uniqueness of the clever workings of your mind
When we debate back and forth when our views don’t align
And the way you could let me be myself with you and unwind.
The strength of your heart as you carry the weight of the worries of the ones you love
The constant assurance you give us as you perform any task we think of
And the way you ask for nothing in return from us or from above
Taking on cares that would break the wills of some.
The timbre of your laughter when you are genuinely happy
And how it carries on the wind to mingle with the spirits freely
How it captures everyone in its swath making somebodies of perceived nobodies
It’s vibrations resonating under your skin with subtle sensuality.
And the gentle pressure of your hands as they traced the lines of my body
Delving past the barriers I had erected so carefully
Of my emotions, my ability to relate, not just my physicality
You unlocked so much more when you moved that night to kiss me.
I hope she’d know how deeply you deserve to be loved by anyone
That if she cannot commit to a lifetime of holding you in the sun
She does not deserve you, she has no right to leave you undone
Because of all the men in the world you most deserve to be truly loved.