When my husband proposed, I have to admit, part of my surprise was at the stunning, shiny ring he picked out. The vain, materialistic part of me always wanted a pretty engagement ring, and it made driving on sunny days very pleasing.
But…when my husband and I said our marriage vows, I realized the ring symbolized so much more. The size, the shape, the material of the ring does not matter. That ring is a visual reminder of something far more impressive. Your willingness to commit to another person.
I was 25 when I married my husband. That was only 3 years ago, but it feels like another lifetime some days. Since we said our vows, we have had our first child, and my husband spent a year overseas serving. These types of significant life events tend to change people, and I definitely feel like we have changed since that sunny June day nearly 3 years ago. Having a child in and of itself can put a severe strain on a relationship. Lack of sleep, stress, added financial responsibility, and a plethora of other worries can take a couple’s focus off of each other and off of keeping the spark in their relationship.
Here I would like to confess to another sin. I have not been trying to keep my relationship going. I love my husband, but a part of me, that exhausted, cranky part that is honestly just trying to make it to bedtime, has taken control and lost sight of the long game. I have been short, irritable, and disconnected. And my husband noticed.
Lucky for me, he called me out. A lot of men might shirk from that. A lot of women might too. Confrontation is not a fun thing. We all just want our days to run smoothly, to be happy, and not get into the dark, gritty stuff. I hate drama. I hate arguing. I hate crying. I just want to be happy and watch Netflix. But often, working through these low points is the only way to resolve and strengthen a relationship. And I had to be willing to set aside my pride and listen to my husband. I feel like last night was the first time I’d really heard him since he came home in November.
I have to learn to take equal responsibility in keeping our marriage a priority. Otherwise, we will fall apart. Like maintaining a home, it has to be lived in and tended to so that it doesn’t collapse in on itself.
I feel like we are getting stronger though. We have been through so much together. My husband is my best friend, the only person I can see myself growing old with, the father of our child. He is my soulmate and my person.
When you get that ring, especially when you’re young, it is so easy to only see the upside of marriage. You see laughter, dinners together, movie dates, a bed buddy, gifts, and kisses. You can’t possibly know the hardships that accompany maintaining your commitment. You will want to walk away a thousand times. But the real test is staying when you want to run. It’s planting roots when you want to take wing. It is a choice to make your relationship work and salvage the good from the wreckage of an argument, to use that to build an even stronger relationship each time.
I feel like a lot of people, especially my generation (Millenials) and younger, fixate on the parts of a marriage that can be shared on social media. The big engagement on YouTube, the photo of the ring on Instagram, the meshed or punny last names for the wedding hashtag on Twitter.
Those things are fun, don’t get me wrong. But there is an age-old aspect of marriage we shouldn’t lose as we take ownership. That is the solemnity of the commitment you are making. Because when it gets hard and the jokes aren’t funny anymore, you need something concrete to bring you back to why you married this person in the first place. And if you can’t find that in the beginning, maybe you shouldn’t be getting married at all.
If all you were there for is the bling and the party, maybe try renting a bouncy castle instead next time. It is not the rings, not the wedding decorations, not the hot air balloon ride over the English countryside that served as the backdrop to your proposal, but the people that will make the marriage. Make the more significant commitment to that and happiness will be your reward.