This is your heart beat.
A slow steady rhythm marked by flickering white light.
This is the pulse of life.
An erratic fast then slow but pushing on relentlessly.
In the rush of everything, everyone, and everywhere I need to be,
I listen for the thumping in your chest
That sets my steps
And Moves me on despite the setbacks and lacking self-confidence.
I listen for the next beat with bated breath.
Keep beating though the journey is long.
Keep beating though the slog is hard.
Keep beating to guide me where I can hold you in my arms
and become the one who leads you beyond.
I have reached inside my soul
and found that I am lined in gold.
It fills the cracks and fissures,
the erosion of my tears through troubled years.
It formed in veins, snaking over heart and mind
steeling them against the harsher times.
And my value cannot be seen by prying eyes
I’ve hidden away what makes it a prize.
It’s yours to take, yours to see
because you’ve always only seen the best in me.
i don’t see heroism inherent in the dapple of your camo
i don’t fall at the altar of ares indiscriminately
i adhered to a pacifist belief in discourse and debate up to now
i detest the blindly patriotic vision of the star spangled devotee
a hero to me had always been an elusively romantic idea
unrecognizable in the common man as i saw them
an act of heroism an impossibly inhuman defying of natural law
until i saw you pick up your bag and put on that bulletproof diadem
out of the depths of complexity of duty to country and commander
out of obligation to provide for wife and child
and a tendency towards charity and unflinching candor
you silently took up arms and joined the rank and file
in your sacrifice you became my hero
as i know that sacrifice was rooted in love for her and i
a desire to prove yourself a provider a sanctified nero
without the vice and all the comforts to be quantified
with upright piety i have never seen in a soul
and unvoiced pain which lends itself to battered strength
you ventured alone into a combative world dividing my whole
heart carved into a token of luck of magnetism of guidance down that path
a salute to a hero by any other name
as that which he would never claim
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and you never left my mind. But to be fair it is a rare day when I can manage to distract myself enough not to think about you, to remember you, to miss you, to dream of the day you come home and our life together resumes. Your words were so beautiful, more beautiful than a hundred roses. I nearly cried reading them while I sat at the circulation desk, pretending that my life was as normal as anyone else’s.
I have these moments between the drudgery of the incessant passing of time, moments of clarity where I realize that we are going through something major and life changing and neither one of us can come out on the other side the same. I know what you are doing is important and you are providing for your family the best way you have found. I can never thank you enough for being so brave, so dependable, so very, very good to me and Baby. It is unfortunately a rare man who would make such sacrifices to care for loved ones.
I believe our children will be better people for us having gone through this. We can teach them sacrifice, love in truth, what it means to cherish and appreciate what we have, to embrace moments while they are in them. I will never take for granted the small moments we share together ever again.
The days are passing. I am assured of that at least. Some faster than I thought they would. I have settled into my routine though Baby likes to switch that up from time to time. We get through, I didn’t think I could honestly, but I have found a way to care for her and myself (most days). I’m not saying the dishes get washed every evening or the tub gets scrubbed as clean as you like but we live almost as decently as before you left. There is still laughter in our home, your daughter makes sure of that. She brings me the greatest joy and I adore you for agreeing that we shouldn’t wait to start our family until you came home. She creates my inner strength and motivates me to push when I want to crash.
I tell you this because I think it is important you know we are okay even with you thousands of miles away. If something were to ever happen to you for you to know we are capable. I will care for your daughter no matter what and give her the very best life but we still desperately await your return home to complete our family.
Until then the days count down, the clock unwinds, I sigh a breath of relief because each day without you is one more day done, gone, in our past, and one day closer to the thousands upon thousands we will spend together.
I love you. Infidimensionally. Until tomorrow, my love.
A Soldier’s Wife